Gethsemane

It was at a time when my best friend's son died that I had this experience of feeling such intense pain for someone else.  As I watched my friend and her husband, I felt so helpless.  There was nothing I could say or do that could ease that kind of pain.  It just hurt so much to watch them suffer.  And then I began to think about the Savior and how He feels our pains.  I have come to love the scripture in   Alma 7: 11-12 where it says: "And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.  And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities."  At a time when I had my own personal struggle, someone asked me, "Don't you know anyone who has gone through this and can give you some support?"  I instantly knew that it was the Savior who would understand my pain and would support me.  I turned my heart to Him.  I am grateful to know that He was there and that He understood what I was going through.  That has been the greatest source of strength in my life.

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The Return of Joy

If you have ever gone through a long period of grieving or depression, you know how difficult it is to break out of that mood and find happiness again.  For me it was roller coaster ride of moods and there were times when I could rise above the clouds and see the sun for just a little while - just long enough to remember that it was still there.  Those moments gave me hope and kept me going until at last joy returned.

2 Nephi 2:25  Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy.

Grief

Perhaps you, too, have had the experience of thinking that you were finally healed of some great trauma in your life, only to have raw feelings emerge, triggered by something someone said or did, or by nothing at all.  Grief is like that.  

Healing is a long process of learning to live in spite of life's tragedies.   The healing of grief is not like the healing of a wound where the wound can heal and is gone forever.  The event that triggers grief is never gone.  There remains within us an experience that deepens our soul and allows us to fully understand the sorrow that is a part of life.  For good reason, those feelings remain, so that we can be more compassionate human beings.  And so they can rise to the surface when needed such as when another is suffering and needs to know that we indeed do understand.  But sometimes they just rise to the surface . . .

Will Spring Come?

I wrote this at a time when I was feeling like a change was coming.  I was still believing that my little world was going to have to change before I would be happy.  I could feel that change coming just like we "feel" spring is coming long before it actually arrives.  I just hadn't learned yet that happiness is connected to my inner spiritual life.  It was my inner life that needed to change - not the circumstances around me.

In the book Little Women, there is a scene where the daughter Jo is questioning her mother. She thinks her mother should be much more emotional about her husband being off in the war.  Her mother replies: "If I don't seem to need help, it is because I have a better friend, even than Father, to comfort and sustain me.  My child, the troubles and temptations of your life are beginning and maybe many, but you can overcome and outlive them all if you learn to feel the strength and tenderness of your Heavenly Father as you do that of your earthly one.  The more you love and trust Him, the nearer you will feel to Him, and the less you will depend on human power and wisdom.  His love and care never tire or change, can never be taken from you, but may become the source of lifelong peace, happiness, and strength."

On Pushing Clouds Away

Have you ever felt like there was a gloom over your life?  You know you want to shine and you know it will take a lot of work to push the gloom away.  There are times when we just have to do it.  

I have learned that the gloom represents a lack of the Spirit in my life.  I know what I need to do to get rid of it.  For me, it is my daily spiritual routine of reading scriptures, praying, journaling what is really going on in my life and how my scripture reading this day can help me, and lastly, some moments of pondering and/or meditation.  There is a difference in my life when I do these things and when I don't do them.  How could I not want that peace? How can I get so busy that I neglect them?

Beside the Lake

I wrote this at a time when I just couldn't see the end of problems.  But I was beginning to catch glimpses that there was a way to find inner peace.  Pat Holland's writings helped me a lot.  Also Anne Morrow Lindberg’s “Gift from the Sea ”.  I was realizing that there is much in life that I would never be able to control but that there is one element in life that is completely within my power - and that is my spiritual life.  Reading scriptures, praying, fasting, meditating, contemplating, and journaling all became very important.  Getting up early in the morning so that I would not miss this time each day was the key for me.  I needed a time that would not be infringed upon by others.  And I wanted it, oh so much!  

Grieving Alone

This poem was written in response to a fast and testimony meeting where a friend shared her story of loving friends who helped her through a period of grief.  It triggered some deep emotions in me as I sat and realized that no such help came to me when grief knocked on my door.  For her it was the death of a child.  For me it was the death of my marriage - divorce.

Either people don't recognize that divorce is a period of intense grief and pain or they don't know what to say because we still have so much negatives attached to divorce.  And so there is often silence where a hug and kind words are needed.

As with all experiences in life, we must learn from them.  I can only hope that whenever I might hear of another going through the same thing I experienced, that I will be available to give that needed support.

Empty Reminders

Isn't it funny how when a person dies, the whole family turns out to divide up the "things". Granted there is something wonderful about having a reminder of a person.  But I wasn't looking for something just to remind me of mom.  It was more like if I could just touch her things, and be in her house, and look through her drawers and closets and boxes, it kept me close to her.  It took a while but eventually I could just close my eyes and remember all the love and the good times that nothing can ever erase.  I didn't need her things.  I had a lifetime of her. 

Remembering Keith

In  Isaiah 49: 15 it reads:  Can a woman forget her sucking child, that she should not have compassion on the son of her womb? yea, they may forget, yet will I not forget thee.

Women understand that scripture.  Here I am - approaching my seventieth year and still I think about the baby I lost thirty-two years ago . . . 

Emptiness - Losing a Baby

We lost Keith when he was born early - at just twenty weeks.  I had been ill the whole 

pregnancy and it appeared my body just couldn't handle the pregnancy any longer 

and I went into labor. He was alive when we went into the delivery room, but the cord 

wrapped around his neck and he was stillborn.   We had the honor of burying him ourselves.  

We built a little wooden box and wrapped him in a baby blanket that had been mine.  

It was a gift of love from me to him.  He lies northeast of Topeka in a little cemetery 

called Muddy Creek.   It was a lonely time.  Nothing filled the hole.  It just took time 

and a lot of prayer to find peace.  I have learned through my life's experiences that when 

the rough times come, there is a peace that is available when we are ready.  The Lord has

promised that to each of us.  As He spoke to the seas, He also speaks to us, "Peace, be still."  

But I was not ready - not for a long while.  I just needed to feel the emptiness I think and to grieve.