Finding Myself

Many of us get lost along life's journey.  Just think back in your own life how you may have tried on roles as easily as you tried on clothes.  As teens we try to please our peers. Speaking for women, we get lost as we sacrifice so many of our own needs for those of our children. We put ourselves "on hold" and then can't remember who we even were. Sometimes we compromise who we are for our spouses as we try to figure out how to meet the needs of both. But there is a person inside of us that is an eternal being who came here to earth already having a sense of self. We arrive with gifts and talents and feelings and personality all our own. We don't want to lose that person. It is us!! Our authentic self!

I was lost for a long time.  And the interesting thing was that when I finally found myself again and aligned my outer world to that inner self, it was like a homecoming.  I felt like me again.  I knew it was me and it felt so good.

My poems aren't all great poetry but they are my expression of where I was in my journey of life.  I like this one because it was such an important time for me and reading the poem brings back all the feelings of joy and self discovery that I felt at the time.

Remember Who You Are

William Wordsworth wrote:

Our birth is but a sleep and a forgetting:
The Soul that rises with us, our life's Star,
Hath had elsewhere its setting,
And cometh from afar;
Not in entire forgetfulness,
And not in utter nakedness,
But trailing clouds of glory do we come -
From God, who is our home.

As members of the LDS church, we know that our life began long before the earth was even created.  We are begotten sons and daughters of God and we lived with Him in the eternities before we came to earth.  He is our beginning and our end.  Our fondest desire is to return to Him with all of those we love.  

But sometimes we forget who we are.  In the very deepest part of our being we struggle to believe in ourselves, to know our own infinite worth and divine nature.  Life has a way of doing that to us.  I am always saying that one of the most important things we have to do while we are here is to rediscover who we are. Sometimes in order to do that we just need to let go of everything we think we know and let our spiritual self take the lead.  In our heart of hearts we know.  We just need to remember.

Men Are That They Might Have Joy

I was recently thinking about a family that we knew in Santa Rosa, California.  They were Laotian and had left their home in the midst of war and walked as a family eleven days and nights through the jungle to reach Thailand where they hoped to find refuge.  When they reached the border they found it closed.  They again had to hide in the jungle and look for an opportunity to sneak across that border.  Once inside Thailand they lived in a refugee camp for six years in the humblest of circumstances.  Eventually the United States accepted them and they were brought to this country.

More recently I was privileged to hear the story of Mariama Kallon, a woman from Sierra Leone.  She was raised in a country ravaged by civil war.  She narrowly escaped torture by murderous rebel forces. She watched other women have arms and legs cut off by the rebels.  After losing her entire family and everything she owned, she eventually was guided to safety.  Her story was heart rending and yet hearing her bear testimony of the beauty of the Restored Gospel and how it had come into her life and brought her joy was even more touching.

The spirit of man is eternal and is able to put life's experiences into a context that allows us to reach beyond the trials and find joy again.  What a remarkable thing it is to witness such joy emanate from those who have experienced such heavy trials.

What Do I Miss?

We can keep ourselves so busy today - doing nothing much that matters.  Or we can be so busy running here and there that we don't even see what is before our eyes.  I have done both of these.  God gives us the gift of little children to help us slow down.  Have you ever taken a walk with a 3 year old?  They take life in and don't want to miss out on anything along the way.  So you stop and count the ants walking across the sidewalk or try to catch a butterfly.  But as they grow older they, too, get caught in the "busyness" of life.  Run to piano lessons, hurry to YW or YM activities, then off to a soccer game.  All good but what do we miss as we run so quickly?  As I have aged I just want to slow down.

Time

As I completed the artwork on this page, I realized the picture makes me nervous.  I think that's okay.  Life should make us a bit nervous as we have to confront the limitations of time and make some decisions.  Hopefully we will come to some understanding of what is unique about us and have a sense of purpose as we plan our minutes and hours and days.  Once we know that, we can relax and enjoy this time limited mortal journey that is preparing us for eternity.

Remarkable

I am glad to be in my seventies and have the perspective to look back and see how blessed my life has been.  It takes time to see the blessings that come from life's difficulties.  And I have had my share.  There have been good times and bad times.  I have cried as often as I have laughed.  But looking back now, I can only thank God for the remarkable life that I have had.

Genie in a Bottle

There are a lot of ways that a woman can "lose herself" along the path of life.  The young mother years can take over your life and you might find yourself always putting the needs of others before yourself.  And of course, that is a sign of maturity to be able to do that at times.  But if you always do that you aren't taking care of yourself and that is important, too.  You can just get so busy with life and all it's obligations that you don't take time to be who you are.  Work, raising a family, church and community obligations can take a lot of time.  And beside, women are spiritual by nature and you have to nurture that part of yourself.  That takes quiet time and quiet space to be alone with yourself and with God. Such a luxury for a mother.

There are lots of ways to lose touch with who you are.  I remember once reading about a women's conference where the women had to introduce themselves with their maiden names.  I stopped and pretended I was there and introduced myself to the audience.  It was a transformative moment. Hiding inside of me was my old self - the girl of my youth. She and I had to get reacquainted.

Now at age 70 I feel like I am totally me.  But getting to this point was a long process.  I believe that life on earth was given to us as a gift by a loving Heavenly Father who knew we needed this experience of mortality before we could enjoy immortality.  Getting to know myself, to like myself, and to be happy being myself was one of my most important lessons.  This poem was written at a pivotal point where I just realized it was time to be me again.

Tennessee

Life is constant progression of change but I can only handle so much.  I also need some things to be constants that I can hold on to.  And so it was a return visit to my home in Tennessee that reminded me that some things don't change and it felt so good to see the hills that I called home for a few wonderful years.

Temporary Residents

We live in a time when the earth itself seems to lash out at us humans. Hurricanes, floods, tsunamis, tornadoes have become common place.  Even the snow doesn’t seem to know how to behave.  Rain either comes in torrents or not at all.  Forest fires threaten us each new summer season.  All of these natural disasters stand as reminders that we must build a firm foundation for our lives.