Talking Through the Veil

Once when my oldest daughter was about four years old, we had a family home evening where different rooms in the house were different places in the plan of salvation.  As we moved from room to room we talked about Heavenly Father's plan to bring us here to earth and the purpose of our time here.  Then at the end we went to the room representing the celestial kingdom.  We walked into the room ready to discuss what it will be like when we at last return home.  This little girl burst into tears.  "Whatever is the matter?" we asked.  "I thought Heavenly Father would be here."  

  

Well, of course, He wasn't.  I testify that the wonderful news is that when we pray, He IS here.  He is listening and answering and letting us know of His love and concern for us..  Those who have had such prayer experiences know. 

Surrounded by Peace

I do love mornings.  It is a quiet and reverent time when you can be alone.  It is my time for reading the scriptures, for prayer and for meditation.  There will be no phone calls nor texts nor emails to distract me.  I can be alone for just a little while and there find myself surrounded by peace. 

In the study guide for President Spencer W. Kimball, it tells about a time when he was recuperating from an illness and was staying with some friends.  One morning, they found the bed empty and assumed he had gone for a walk.  When he had not returned by 10:00 a.m., they began to worry and a search began.  "He was finally discovered several miles away under a pine tree.  His Bible lay next to him, opend to the last chapter of St. John.  His eyes were closed, and when the search party came up to him he remained as still as when they first caught sight of him.

"Their frightened voices aroused him, however, and when he lifted his head they could see traces of tears on his cheeks.  To their questions, he answered, 'Five years ago today I was called to be an Apostle of the Lord Jesus Christ, and I just wanted to spend the day with Him whose witness I am.'"

I have been inspired by this story to change my paradigm of prayer and scripture study.  I like to think that mornings are when I just spend a little time with the Lord.

Meditation

I have a morning routine that I like to stick to.  The early morning hours are a time when my mind is clear and I often do my best thinking.  I like to head to my favorite chair and grab my scriptures and my journal and have time for self-reflection.  I like to read a bit and then journal what it means to me. 

 And then when my reading and writing are done, I meditate.  I have a mind that never stops.  I liken it at times to a hamster running on a wheel.  I think sometimes it has a life of its own.  I am reading scriptures for example and find my mind off in another space thinking about some other topic altogether.  And so I spend time trying to empty it of all thoughts, trying to prove to myself that I actually do have some control.  

I believe that when our minds are so full of ourselves, there is no room for God.  So if I can empty my mind, He can come and be with me and speak to me.  I don't know that I have had an remarkable experiences or revelations that changed my life.  But when I get to that "empty space", there is a peace that is so remarkable that I have to say to myself, "It's time to go back to real life now."  And I come back renewed.  I call it my time with the Lord.  And if I can start each day with Him, what else would I need?

Prayer Gifts

It has been my experience that try hard as I do to become charitable or loving, to show faith, have hope, forgive others and all the other Christlike attributes that I wish I had, I always come up against a wall where my efforts cannot achieve the result I wish.  It may be someone I just don’t like.  It may be that someone hurt me and I am not ready to forgive.  It may be a crisis that challenges my faith.  At times like this I find myself in prayer, pleading “with all the energy of heart” that the Lord will bless me with the needed quality.  These times are precious to me for I have always found Him there, ready to help me, ready to bestow whatever gift I need.  And so I call them Prayer Gifts.

Turning to God

There is a universal longing for God.  It reaches across all nations, all peoples.  I have always admired all people of faith.  I wonder if it is universal also that in times of plenty we get pretty self-sure but when times are hard we reach for the Lord.  I am trying to overcome that tendency as by learning to be more grateful and to acknowledge that all I have is a gift from God.  He and I have much to talk about as we try to decide how use my time, my energy and His resources.  Actually even my time and my energy are gifts from Him.  So much to be thankful for.  So many reasons to rejoice daily.

Only God Knows Me

When my husband and I were on our first mission in California, I would get up early each day and study my scriptures.  I brought with me a book my daughters has recommended.  It is named "He Did Deliver Me from Bondage."  It is a workbook that asks you to examine the Book of Mormon and relate it to the 12 Step Program.  It makes you really take an in depth look at your life.

It was a really beautiful experience for me.  My husband would find me sitting in my chair with tears flowing.  Not sad tears, but tears of deep feeling for I had just spend some very personal time with the Lord looking back at my years and talking about what I had done and learned in my life.  Those were conversations that I would never had had with another human being.  We all have parts of us that are embarrassing or shameful to remember.  We also have successes that if shared with another it might appear we were vain.  Or maybe the whole experience is life a family slide show.  On a few can really enjoy. . .

I remember those times with deep gratitude and joy for I knew the Lord was there with me and that much was resolved in my heart.  There were no hidden places.  I felt cleansed and sanctified.  

Homesick

There is a longing within me that is universally known among people everywhere and addressed by all religions.  I call it homesickness.  We miss home - our heavenly home from which we came.  We miss our heavenly parents and the love we knew with them.  At times during my life that longing has been acute and always pushes me to want to have divine communion with God.  I have learned that such communion is readily available.  God does hear and answer our prayers.  He lets us know in very real ways that He is there and that He loves us.  Isn’t that amazing!  God knows me and loves me.  God is my loving Heavenly Father.  I am a daughter of a Heavenly Father who loves me and I love Him.  These truths have become the essence of who I am and how I live my life.  I am very grateful to have found them.

There is another aspect to homesickness.  Home was wonderful and beautiful.  We lived with God the Almighty in a place where goodness abounded.  That reality is etched in our memory.  I try to recreate it in the little world I have here on earth.  Most of us do.  Just look at how women around the world work so hard to make their homes a place of beauty.  

But the world we live in is also filled with so much that is bad.  War, famine, terrorism, random evil fill our daily news stories.  And in response, you find so many good people who are doing everything they can to help those in need.  That vision of the way things ought to be is very real in our minds.  We seem to instinctively know that life is supposed to be good and we work very hard to make it so.  Some call this the universal consciousness.  I believe along with Latter-days everywhere that it is just our deepest memory, reminding us of that place where we used to be and for which we will always strive.

New Heart

Peace, Be Still

I wrote this in my journal one morning when I completely surprised myself and got quiet inside.  Too often my mind is like a mad house and I can't stop it.  But this day I actually got totally quiet and in that quiet I heard a cricket chirp.  I may seem silly but  I really did hear a cricket chirp.  I was so surprised as I realized that my inner turmoil prevented me from hearing the quiet beauty of life.  As a pondered this, I realized that the Spirit is said to speak with a quiet voice.  More than anything I wanted to hear that quiet voice and so I determined to "practice quiet" daily.  I still do so today.  It has opened a world that I had never known - that you can move beyond a prayer of words to actually spending time with God.  Discovering this has brought such peace to my life.   

Daily Prayer

 

My whole life I have been trying to understand prayer.  As a child I was taught rote prayers.  They were meaningful yet limiting but I was never taught that you would just "talk" to the Lord.  In my mind He was like the Wizard of Oz - so magnificent that you could not address Him like you would a human being.  And so I developed my own litany as I prayed each night.  I prayed the Lord's Prayer, Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, and then added the 23rd Psalm, the Beatitudes, and other scriptures I had memorized.  I just wanted to make my communication with deity meaningful.  Then one night when I was teen I knelt and talked to the Lord.  I began by apologizing for talking to Him so casually "but I just need to talk to you." is what I said.  And so I began praying in my own way. 

Over the years I have tried to make this time mean something - this time of talking to Father.  But it was not until I reached a crisis in life that I really prayed.  I don't expect that I am that different from most people.  On a good day my prayers are different that on a bad day.  I am still working at making my prayers better.  I know that I cannot rush my time with the Lord.  And so now I try to think of prayer as the time I get to visit with Him - to actually be with Him.  And I spend a lot more time just listening.  I am just grateful that He always has time for me. 

I Learned to Pray

As a young girl I was taught to recite memorized prayers.  There were dinner prayers such as "God is great, God is good.  Now we thank Him for this food. Amen".  At night I knew "Now I lay me down to sleep. . ."  And of course, I knew the Lord's Prayer.  But there came a time when I wanted more.  I would kneel down at night and recite the prayers I knew and then kept adding more and more because I was just not satisfied.  I would memorize scriptures such as the 23rd Psalm and the Beautitudes and recite them.

Finally one night I just got frustrated and then brave and said something like this "I am so sorry, Father, but I just need to talk to you.  I hope you won't be mad at me."  and then I prayed.

It was shortly afterwards that I joined the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  The missionaries taught me the proper way to pray.  I was grateful to know at last that I could speak to my Father in Heaven.

Over the years my prayers followed the pattern I was taught.  I addressed the Father, expressed gratitude always before asking for anything, and ended in Jesus' name.  I was content.

But then sorrow came into my life - a long period of difficulty and self-doubt.  During all of this I never concerned myself with form.  I needed the Lord's help desperately to help me find the way back to happiness.  I cried.  I pleaded.  I expressed anger and fears and doubts.  Those prayers were very real and I learned during that time that He listens and loves us.  The form really didn't matter.  My heart mattered and it was reaching out to the one who knew it best.

In memory of that time I wrote "I Learned to Pray".

Not Alone

As I have learned to really commune with the Lord and discovered that He loved me and would always be there with me, I was free to dig even deeper into my  own self.  I wanted to be free of all the negative feelings that I had harbored there and I had a lifetime of them.  I don't think it is easy to do this work, this self examination of the heart and soul.  But when I knew He would be there with me and that He would indeed take these burdens from me, I began the task.  

I have journals that chronicle that journey. My testimony of the Atonement and of the power of Christ to change our hearts grew out of that experience.  Again I can only say that these spiritual moments when you know the Lord is with you and helping you are the most beautiful, sacred experiences you can have.  I am so grateful to Him for His love and caring of me.

Finding Myself

Many of us get lost along life's journey.  Just think back in your own life how you may have tried on roles as easily as you tried on clothes.  As teens we try to please our peers. Speaking for women, we get lost as we sacrifice so many of our own needs for those of our children. We put ourselves "on hold" and then can't remember who we even were. Sometimes we compromise who we are for our spouses as we try to figure out how to meet the needs of both. But there is a person inside of us that is an eternal being who came here to earth already having a sense of self. We arrive with gifts and talents and feelings and personality all our own. We don't want to lose that person. It is us!! Our authentic self!

I was lost for a long time.  And the interesting thing was that when I finally found myself again and aligned my outer world to that inner self, it was like a homecoming.  I felt like me again.  I knew it was me and it felt so good.

My poems aren't all great poetry but they are my expression of where I was in my journey of life.  I like this one because it was such an important time for me and reading the poem brings back all the feelings of joy and self discovery that I felt at the time.

Mother Prayers

There are few times in our lives when we are more overwhelmed with raw feelings than in our mothering.  That first glimpse of a newborn brings an emotional wave; different in each of us yet very much the same.  We are amazed with the miracle of life.  Then every step along the way we experience a plethora of new feelings as we respond to the growing child and all the experiences that come along the way.  And in all of that we pray - we pray for wisdom, for strength, for patience, for understanding, for unconditional love, for guidance.  A mother's life is full of prayers.